Gonna Take a Ride on a Big Jet Plane

here it is. My last night in Australia. I have been anxiously awaiting it for months now. And dreading it all the same. The last 12 days out in the mountains was a struggle like I have never encountered. I fought myself tooth and nail, emotions bubbling up and out and as I seethed and writhed internally, it took it's toll on my body. I was supposed to be out there soaking up the mountain air, meditating on life, relaxing and gathering my spirit to go home. Well, I wouldn't exactly say that was the case. What it was, was back breaking mind blowingly hard work. On so many levels. I've decided to try and reflect a little on it before I bash it all to hell, because I am quite sure I got alot out of it. But even today I feel spent. Shattered. Knackered. etc..I am so weary. barely here, nearly there..somewhere in between. Last night I got the chills and stomach aches and I spent most of the night shivering beneath a blanket on the couch near the toilet with my hot water bottled nestled on my belly. You could say my nerves are a jitter. Seems like even as a little girl, I got these "jitters". Where I uncontrollably shake and shiver, not really from outside chill, but more like inside. I will admit I'm scared. Of what waits for me back "home", of what I'm leaving behind here. This freedom, this amazing opportunity to explore like I never have. As hard as I crave familiar, the adventure girl is clinging to the journey. so not much has changed ya see, still fighting the good fight..within myself. With my self. how silly it seems, yet I can't help it. I want too many things opposing. I want the comforts of home, but the thrill of the unknown. As much as I long for a companion in life, so often times, I just want to be alone. Ah well, so it goes. I guess this is just the way its gonna be. I've been thinking, day dreaming about what kind of life I want to create now. Maybe get a dog. A happy old lab who just wants to sweetly lick my hand, or nap at my feet and go on evening walks. haha, who needs a partner?
I think first things first, the long ride home. gonna take a ride on a big jet plane. 24 hours from now, I will fly through the night, across the Pacific and back in time to arrive in Austin only 3 and a half hours after I depart. Crazy.

Sun Room

The Sun Room

I've grown quite fond of.. All the light beaming in at ungodly hours of the morn, heating up the place making you feel like you're sun baking in the shade. It can be stifling. But I kinda like its warmth and sanctity from the elements, whilst still giving you the feeling of being "out of doors". Open the windows and breezes flow through with ease. A few raindrops falling make for interesting scenery. And the countless planes that seem to dive-bomb over top of you make you hold your breathe in anticipation til the noise dissipates into the distance. My bags have spread out wide for 2 weeks, and now packed again, for the 264th time. I pack. Wednesday morning I'm off again. To the mountains for 10 days of service and relative silence. On the last leg of this incredible journey. It's only starting to sink in that in another 2 weeks I'll be gone from here. It makes me feel funny in my tummy, that thought. Excited, nervous, full of hopes and possibilities that I can't dare to hang on too tightly to. But I do want to go home. And if Austin is the closest thing I've got to it, just a general direction to go in, I think I'll find it soon enough. I have this problem with missing things that I've never even had. I miss indecipherable things. That don't have names or faces. Just, stuff. That's the best I can describe just one of the many of things I am feeling right now.

I don't wanna go either. Parts of me cringe at the thought of not being near this ocean. So wild, full of commotion and deep, dark waters I long to tread in. There hasn't been near enough swimming. And its nearly done now, my last chances for everything. I love to hate this part. But I vow to enjoy it. Every moment. Cherish them. The friends I've made. The places I've seen. I am feeling really lucky right now. Blessed.

Now, on to the next...

Holding

I'm in a holding pattern. Each day I wake with new ambition, but little fruition, as I have not much to do and plenty of time to do it. One more week, then 10 days and I'm home! How weird is THAT? To think on those terms..so far to go, so little time, and yet..as if it is standing still. I am holding..

So much on my mind as I wait. What will I do? How will I do it? Beginning again with nothing. Clean slate. It's hard not to remember the mistakes I've made before. I attempt to make a vow to myself to go quality not quantity this time around. But who's counting? Well you know I am :) But I feel calmer, much less in a hurry to get anything or anywhere. This morning I woke up really early before anyone and took a walk in this charming little neighborhood. I will miss this. Miss it all. The freedom, the way I can take my time and spread out a day by just wandering in the park. How everything looks new because it is to me, and all the little things no one else sees anymore because they're familiar, make my day. Picking up dead flowers and interesting leaves and sticks, I catch people smiling and or laughing at me all the time. What they must think of my strange behavior. As if I care..

On coming back to America, I have to say it doesn't seem as though much has changed for the better. I guess I haven't been gone long enough for that to happen. But its been weird to not be a part of it, as small of a role as I play day to day. At least being there I have some say. Here, its a constant barrage of questions I don't have answers for. It's hard to explain American mentality to an aussie when you don't fully understand it yourself, just that it IS what it is, and it gives me some kind of comfort, as messed up as that is. I surely don't understand how and why they do what they do here. Even after 9 months, I still get floored by the rules and restrictions so different from what I know. Or lack thereof, in some cases.

At any rate, I sit. I wait. catch up on my Showtime sitcoms. Bake sweet treats and look through my pictures. It'll all be over soon. And I will miss this. I know this much.

Dead End

I am spent, in every capacity of the word. My body aches in places I didn't know I had, my mind blown by all the things I have seen and done, and the money's almost gone. It's time to go home. In another few weeks, I'll be stepping back on US soil after a little over 9 months in Oz. When I try to sum it up in my head, it becomes a blur of swirls and colors, textures and shapes. A pixelated version of the big picture. Still processing..what an amazing adventure its been. All the lives I've touched and seen from the outside in, all the doors that swung wide for me as I gallivanted across this land. I truly do feel as though something has been watching over me, for all the luck outs and close calls, the near misses and most of all, the beauty I saw. How many times I've been moved to tears by the sunrise, the gentle giant of an ocean, waves crashing in such a mesmerizing fashion. And the trip to the Red Center proved every bit as breathtaking as I imagined. I have survive things I never thought possible. Remained calm amongst the chaos that is a travelers life. I think I'm done with this. And with fresh perspective, I plan to start anew back in Texas. The timing is right. I should have at least 6 months of comfortable weather to decide how to ride out the brutal summers. Somehow after this, all things that once seemed so big, are now so small. Thank you universe, for allowing me to see so far, so much, so many. For the humbling I so desperately needed. I can walk tall onto that plane going back again to a place I've always called home. Texas, here I come..

I need a reality check..

Check, check, one two. Is this thing on? Where the hell am I? This trip just keeps getting wierder. I am sitting alone on the porch after a night of "work". it began to rain as we closed shop, and I rode my borrowed bike home in the dark,misty cool drops thinking.."Is this really my life?" For now, yes. I arrived "home" to an empty house. My flatmate has moved out. She took the cat and the dryer, and now I am alone for the next 3 weeks til I fly to Melbs to meet my parents. This was not in the plans, needless to say. I know no one in this tiny beach town, where I managed to score a "job" where no one explains anything to me. I am ok with the lack of responsibility, but it's all a little shady..
Melita, my flatmate, after a weekend away with her on again off again truck drivin bloke whom I have colorfully named "The Simon", decided it best that she not stay here because she picked up a guy while I was in Pomona who turned out to be a gold digging pisshead, won't stop ringing her and has called the cops on Simon for threatening him. Kevie, knows where we live. So she moved back to Simon's in a moments notice on Tuesday night. Hmm. My workplace is on a cash collecting mission i.e. Don't ring up anything paid for in cash and just stick it in the drawer...My wages await me every Thursday in an envelope addressed to me with the multi-colored notes that mean virtually nothing to me but food and maybe a little fun for the next week. WAAHHAAT?
Ok, I am ready to come home. I'm sick of the uncertainty, of the inevitable question marks at the end of every thought I have about WHAT I am doing here anymore. I have seen and saw and not much else can be said for it but that it is a crazy world out here in Oz. No one and nothing is what it seems. I suppose I should be happy. I've got a roof over my head, house to myself, Austar at my disposal with all its many music and travel channels. However, the dishwasher has broken down and the lightbulb in my room has burned out, and I can't help but think .."How ironic." I can do nothing as I am living here off the lease and no clue what kind of bulb I need. I suppose tomorrow, in the light of day, I'll venture to inspect the fixture and see what I can do to shed some light on the subject. Not that there's a hardware store anywhere within walking or biking distance that I know of. I think my work ripped me off out of some money, but I have no proof cause I forgot to write down my hours in my own calendar, like I usually do. But $125 for a few days of work at $15/hr just doesn't seem right.*sigh* whatever. At least I get a free meal each time I work, and the food is quite good. Tonight was curry night, and I got the least spicy (my stomach has been queasy lately) Lamb Rogan. No idea what it means, but it was pretty tasty with the remnants of a bottle of red I opened a few nights ago. And with the latest pop artists singing songs to me on the TV, I wait for sleep. It's not coming. Not even the chamomile tea is helping.
I long for company. Good, solid company. Not pissed off two bottles of sparkling, rambling Melita and her relationship woes (I love her, God love her, but geeez), or the people I call my coworkers, who never invite me out for a drink after, which is customary, is it not? I've got no friends. I've got no life. I've got no money to go find a life, and even if I did, there's no place to go in Coolum Beach on a Thursday night afterdark that is anywhere a young lady would or should frequent alone. Well, I've made my bed, and now, I shall lay in it. Until sleep comes. And tomorrow at least there's the beach, if it's not too rainy and cold to venture out that is. Winter in Coolum Beach, Queensland. Yippie. Well, there's always the library.

My thoughts drift to what it will be like to go home. whatever that is. wherever that is. No idea what I'm doing or where I'm going, but I know I want to be back where things make some sense. Shit, who knows, maybe that won't make sense either. Seems everyone I know has gotten married, had a baby, or something equally lifechanging since I left. What's left of my so called life back in Austin? All I can do is hope that it makes more sense than this. I feel like Alice having fallen down a rabbithole, and the EAT ME DRINK ME bits are doing nothing to change a damn thing.
Where the hell AM I?

10 Days in Pomona

My vipassana experience

4am. Dong...dong...dong. out into the cold mountain air. brush your teeth. Splash some water on your sleepy face, trudge up the path to the hall, and settle in for the first of 7 meditation sessions of the day. Time seems to stand still as you sit, perfectly still, cross legged, aching from head to toe. Tiny tingles begin to creep up and around and its all you can do, in the perfect Noble silence, not to scream. Internally, outwardly. painstakingly, you wait. Patiently. persistently. Do not move. Do not fidget. In the darkness of your eyelids you hear the rustle of others' restlessness, and it is of some comfort. But not much. Your mind begins to wander, as the mind does, to such trivial things. What will I eat for breakfast? Stomach rumbles. No don't think about that. Its hours away. The cucabarros haven't even begun to squawk, so you know it is no where even near dawn. Patiently. Persistently. Inside, your body begins to react to the stillness, the darkness. You are aware of every moment as it ticks by. How many more ticks....Dong! dong...ahhh, relief. But wait. First, the chanting.

"Bhavatu...sabbe..mangalam."- May all Beings Be Happy.

This is a typical beginning of the days in the life of a vipassana student. 10 days. No alcohol. No drugs, not so much as a panadol for your headache or in my case, severe menstrual cramps. no ciggys. no meat. Not even dinner besides two pieces of fresh fruit of their choosing at the 5pm tea break. No talking, unless spoken to by the teachers or manager, or even eye contact with anyone. no phones, No Music, no books, no writing utensils or any other such distractions. All alone. In your own head.
Concentrate on your breathing. The sensations that occur between the nostrils, and the area just below the nostrils and above the upper lip. In, out. In, out. I can feel it. Feel my own breathe. Natural breathe. Soft, almost imperceptible, if not for the fact that there is nothing else. But breathe.

HOW did I get here? The story is such that one day walking, walking as I always did along Sunrise Beach every morning since I arrived there, I passed a young man. Our eyes met, locked. Smiled. But did not speak. Listening to music, it was easy to ignore people. In my own little world, sad little world. Walking back, our pathes crossed again. Eyes met. locked. and again, smiled. But my mouth would not move, nor my feet to get close enough for even the obligatory "hello" or "g'day". I thought to myself, "not today. I don't feel like talking. If he wants to talk to me, he'll have to chase me..." and it left my mind. Some time later, the music in my ears stopped and for whatever reason I turned around. There he was, running. After me? I stopped. And as he approached, I noticed he was quite good looking. he smiled, we smiled and he said "You walk slow. I sat down to meditate after passing you, then went for a swim and when I emerged there you were again, the first thing I saw. So I felt compelled to talk to you." He then explained. he had just been to a meditation center in the Blue Mountains. It had helped him. And when he saw me, he thought, " She needs to surrender." And so I did. I know only that his name was James. I named him James Ocean. That afternoon, I applied online to the next available 10 day course in Pomona, about 30 k's outside of Noosa. And a few weeks later, I was on my way to the center.

It was an important time. A time of reckoning. What do I DO? I had been thinking. I did not know. I truly, truly did not know. After traveling on and on, 7 months up the coast of this strange land, searching, searching. And yet, nothing, nothing was coming. No great revelations. No great understanding. Only confusion, sadness, listlessness. Where am I? What am I? oh and always the WHY and HOW, etc..etc. Seemingly endless unanswerable questions. I needed help but did not know where to go or how to find it. I was tired. of searching, looking. and then, I was found. By this strange young man, on the Sunshine coast of Australia on a cold and windy winter's day. I found a way.

During my time at the center many things happened. You notice things when you are unable to speak, unable to communicate. Every sign I saw, I read. every noise I heard, I listened. I was aware. REALLY aware, of everything. And what a struggle! when you are deprived of your own free will to do and go as you please, suddenly life gets real simple. Eat, sleep, meditate. That's IT. Oh but the food. The food was Divine! Every meal was so wholesome. I grew quite fond and accustomed to our morning porridge and stewed spiced dates (or were they prunes?) heaping huge fruit bowl of apples, oranges and banana halves, bowl of yogurt, muesli and oat bran, various breads and spreads. Concoct your own special dish of happiness. And teas! Lemongrass, peppermint, liquorice, green or black. Sometimes a pot of chai if we were lucky. Honey and milk, both soy and cow. A jar filled with linseed laxative (which I made great use of) and a landscape of a beautiful soaring mountain in the background.
Kangaroos lounged and grazed mere inches from you, almost as if you weren't even there, baby joey's peeking out of their mama's pouches if you remained quite still. Butcher birds and magpies singing for a crumb or two, or if they were really cheeky they'd just swoop in and steal a bit of your toast. For lunch, a beautiful medley of lentils, soup or a nut and seed casserole, sprouted mung beans for garnish on salads of beets and black currants, zesty and tangy with citrus notes and garnished with parsley and coriander. Tomatoes with basil and vinaigrette atop colorful greens. Heavenly food. For body and mind.

An hour of rest at noon. take rest. Take Rest. Your only time, to shower, wash or walk the short pathes through the forest surrounds, fenced in. Please stay within the center boundaries. For your own safety they say. I felt like a caged animal. Pacing. Let me out of here, I pleaded silently. And yet I stayed. I pledged to, the day I arrived, and I intended to keep my promise. Everyday I wanted to quit. And then by the end, never wanted it to end as the discourse finished and we all trudged back to our dorms to collapse in a heap of mental exhaustion. 9:30 lights out. And begin again. 4 am. Another day. Another chance to expel the demons we'd been collecting. Over time, we arrange quite a stockpile of sankaras. Reactions, mental conditioning. There was much work to be done.

Funny what solitude and confinement can do to people. I saw some women furviously cleaning, cleaning ANYTHING they could find with a speck of dirt, sweeping the pathes littered with leaves furiously only for the wind to blow them all back again. Didn't matter. Gotta do something, gotta keep busy, gotta stay out of the mind. But this was not the purpose. Me and another girl became known as the "walkers". This had become my escape since arriving in Oz and I put those short little pathes around the center to great use, making lap after lap every morning after breakfast til the bell rang again.

The men and women were separated from day one. We could see them, across the white ropes. On their side of the center. vaguely aware of their presence. But we were too busy fighting our own battles to pay them much mind. We women passed each other on the pathes, diverted our eyes as we brushed past. Each one of us in our own personal hell of silence. But even through the corner of your eye, body language revealed that we were ALL struggling. Going to bat with this or that. Our own mental conditionings to react, to avert the pain or crave the pleasant sensations we all became so used to in our daily lives.

This Will Also Change. Life is an impersonal constantly changing phenomenon. Things rise, and pass away. Rises and passes away. Remain equanimous. Objective. No reaction. Not to pain nor pleasure. This too, shall pass.

I suffered through the aches and pains my body dished out, between fleeting moments of pleasant vibrations and sensations. Feelings of elation and then pain again. One hour. Two hours. Don't move. Just sit. And observe. Don't become attached to the pleasure, don't react to the pain. Just observe. This is what a good meditator does. Detach yourself from "me" "I" "mine". say to yourself "Let me see how long this will last.." This will help you. Learn to look at life as such: the impersonal, constantly changing phenomenon.

On day 6, I lost my shit. In the hall, during one of our sits of Determination. You are not to move, not to change your posture, no matter how painful, for one hour. I was in agony. My hips and thighs burned and ached with such force, such fierce, piercing pain. The tears came and began slowly trailing down my cheeks. I wept silently, so as not to disturb anyone else in the hall. In my head, the Coldplay song "And tears streamed, down your face, and you were something I could not replace.." Later on during the discourse, Goenka stated that day 6 is the hardest day. A day many people quit. But I could not. I was determined. Stay.

So many times during that 10 days did I think of the people I love, loved, lost. New and old. daydreamed of times to come and remembered things I hadn't thought of in years. Thought of what now to do..and I realized, with less shame how much I missed "home". Missed my people. My places. And that it was ok. That perhaps, my work here, out on the other side of the universe practically from everything I know, is nearing a close. Time to go back to the place and people I love, and begin again. Be Happy.

Now back in the real world, I feel lighter in heart, mind and body (I lost 2 kilos in there). My tolerance and compassion have grown exponentially. For the first time, in a long, long time, I feel FREE. FEEL free, when I have been all along, but locked in my own mind, my own personal reactionary hell from all the times I suppressed this or didn't deal with that. We all do it, doing it all the time. And according to vipassana technique, the only way to eradicate the suffering is to experience the Truth inside the workings of your own body. If you can sit with your pain and pleasure and not react to it, amazingly, you begin to feel strong enough to apply that discipline to the rest of your life. sit with it. But Stay out of the Cage. This too, shall pass.

Onward and Upward my people. Quite literally in fact. It seems there may be work available for me at Cape Tribulation following my 2 week excursion with my folks come September. So it looks like I may not be coming right home after all..:) Until then I reside in Coolum Beach with Trombello the lion cat and Melita, my sweetie flatmate. It's good to be "home". What's that saying..Home is where the heart is. I'm glad I found mine again. I feel ready to love again. I think I might be. Yes. Happiness.

Random

Seems to be the theme as I truck on through. Travel weary, lost and confused as I ever was and seemingly getting worse by the day. I keep meeting people and hoping they have something important to say to me, to send me off in direction. And often they do. A random strange boy chased me down the beach to tell me about vipassana, a 10 day silent meditation practice that is supposed to be used to ease suffering and to see things as they really are. Well shit, SIGN ME UP! I need so desperately to see things as they really are, because nothing feels real to me anymore. Have I lost touch with reality? Or simply been traveling for too long..I was lost when I arrived here, but feel myself drifting even further..maybe though, just maybe I am drifting closer to who I REALLY am, not who I thought I was. With great hope and a bit of desperation, I will try and try again. A job fell in my lap as well, and while I am dissapointed I wasnt able to find something that is different than anything I have ever done, I am grateful for the opportunity to make some fairly easy money and sustain myself until I figure what then to do.

Lately I have been thinking about coming back to the states pretty seriously. I miss things, alot of things. Things I have always taken for granted and never had a second thought about til I am stranded on a huge island, nestled in between the Indian and the Arctic Ocean, in someone ELSE's country. I miss feeling like I am a part of something, like I belong somewhere. If I ever did feel that, it was in Austin, when I first moved there. It's changed and so have I..maybe too much to come back together again. But once upon a time, I was happy there. I remember that. I will try not to forget that and when I find it again, maybe this time it'll be for good. Buy that house, plant that garden, grow some roots. COMMIT. Perhaps I am ready for the next step. I hope 10 days of silence sheds some light on it.

Melaluka

7 Selene Sunshine Beach, QLD Unit 1

After a whirlwind of couchsurfing, wwoofing, busing, training, even hitching a ride from a strange man named Cliff, I have landed in a very unique and quite possibly my favorite place since leaving Melbourne 2 months ago. I find myself in Noosa. This place is a little, and I mean little, slice of heaven. The town is quaint and cute, with one main road, but has everything you need. But my most favorite part, is where I now reside. I stay about a 45min walk out of town in a subdivision called Sunshine Beach. Here, I "rent" a room in a 3 bedroom apt. style accomidation. It's cheaper than dorms at a hostel, and due to it being off season, I only get occasional flatmates that drift in and out for a few days here and there, on their way..somewhere. Most of them can't stand to be here for long. Not much to do, far from town and its not exactly 4 star accomidation. There are ants in the kitchen, so don't leave anything on the counter, and my tiny little single twin bed sits in a room with windows too high for me too reach. Last night it began to rain in the middle of the night. I just had to move my bed out from under them to keep from getting wet. Problem solved!
Its not unlike some of the apts I've rented back home, for about the same price, and I have two lovely landlords, Bruce and Peter. They're twins. Their mum owns this place, and they run it for her. They are a hoot and a holler! always cracking jokes. They have the same shpeal they say to everyone that comes thru.."So I hear you're staying with us for a month?" Well, it may very well be actually.

I'm happy here. I while away the day hiking along the coastal trek that is National Park lands. It edges the ocean and there are some spectacular views up there. 2 hours later, you hit town and can walk back via the bike trail. Or there's always the beach, with its mesmerizing surf. I could sit for hours and stare at it. pondering. And I have alot to ponder.

Where do I go from here? I have made a few solid decisions. NO MORE HOSTELS. I can't stand them. They're expensive, loud, dirty and unsettling. I NEED A JOB. If I want to stay in Oz for the rest of the year, money will be essential. But I looked in the classifieds here yesterday. There were 2 listings. Not likely to find work here. I don't like wwoofing very much because you are at the mercy of your host. I'm a bit too independent for that. And I like money :) I'd like to be somewhere a LITTLE warmer. Winter is in full effect and while I do enjoy a cool breeze, the rain and wind and chill together do not make for good surfing conditions, and I want to learn to surf and snorkel. I have my sights set on Keppel Island. If I can find a ride, I may head that way. The buses are rediculously expensive and its a 15hr ride from here. But I may just decide to stay a bit. I am in a unique position to see people come and go, to leave when I wish, and enjoy the peace and quiet that is Noosa Heads.

Deep.Press.On.

It's like a flash flood. All of a sudden, I am sad. Lonely. Afraid. And I can't stop it. The thoughts and feelings won't subside, they only increase when I try. There's no reason for it. Other than the obvious. Bad stuff happens. Happened. And it scarred me. Continues to haunt me. And just when I think I am getting over it, it runs me down like a freight train, again and again.It followed me across land and sea to keep me in my shell, to keep me from being free. From happy. I don't know how long I have to wait, what path I need to take. How long....til I get better? Maybe never. Maybe I am sick in the head. Maybe I have chemical imbalances that cause it. But I refuse to believe that as an answer, an excuse for being sad. Sometimes, a girl just cries. And its not because of a man, or anything you can put a name to. She just cries for the sorrow of living. It is a hard, hard thing. Way harder than dying. I imagine that, is pretty easy, once you know its happening. It's the surviving that is the hard part. What makes us strong. What makes us carry on. I dont want to talk to anyone. I dont want to listen to them. I just want to bury my head in the sand and listen to the ocean. Maybe it has the answers I so desperately seek. I hope I don't run out of money before I find the answers. Maybe there arent any. Maybe I'm just crazy for thinking things could be any better than they are. I should be happy. I know this. Everyone tells me. But I am not. usually. Mostly I am disspointed. And lonely. In a room full of people willing to listen, I have nothing to say. It is easier to write to myself knowing maybe no one will read it. Maybe they will. Who know? I don't really care.

WWOOF

For the last month I have been living with strangers and doing odd jobs for them
in exchange for room and board. It's been a real experience in the game of life.
I've found myself doing things I'd never do if I wasn't in this situation.
I've learned to plant from seed, transplant seedlings, catch a chicken, feed a
horse, level concrete, clear brush with a machete..I think tomorrow I'll be
mowing my first lawn..the list is endless. Everyday something new and different.

Challenge.

It has humbled me more than once, tried my patience on several occasions, and
deepened my compassion in ways I never imagined. When you live in this type of
an arrangement, you eat what and when they eat, go when and where they take
you, and do what, when they tell you. I AM NOT USED TO THAT AT ALL. I've
lived the last few years prior in my own place, doing what and when I please.
I've never though of myself as a finicky eater, but a healthy one. Well, in the last
month I must have gained 5 kilos eating whatever was being fed to me. I can still
fit into my pants. Barely. You could say, kindly, that I look "healthy". The
heaviest I've been since I started my war with my body image about 10 years ago.
I'll blame that on the modeling and a skinny anorexic boyfriend. But with no
scales or mirrors, I have no way of knowing. no way of controlling. This is
interesting. The only other time I've been this heavy was my 6 wk backpack to
Europe, when all I ate for a month was cheese and chocolate. For the last week
I've had beef for every meal. Heavy, saucy meals. heaps of it. And when someone
hands you a plate of food, you eat it. Especially if you were hungry 2 hours ago.

So thats this.I think the next part of my journey will be finding balance between
too much control, and this over indulgence to spite myself role I've taken on.
I WILL NOT GET FAT. But I will also not be one of those girls that starves
herself. Not anymore. I want to enjoy my life. And my body. There must be a
way. I'm hitting the gym next week. It's not too late to turn this around .

Waves

Waves..it all comes in waves. one moment you're high on inspiration, minutes from elation, and the next, plunged into depression. For what reason? It's all the same thing really. What makes us happy eventually will make us miserable, either through loss, transformation, or some other form of torture. It's all so cynical, I mean, cyclical. Just like the ocean. Someone said to me last night that my relationship with the ocean is a direct reflection of my personal relationships. Well, that explains alot.

I've had a bad relationship with the ocean since I was about 11. It was around then that I got scared of it. And truthfully, although I hadn't thought about it for ages, I havent been in the ocean hardly since then. Until now. All I want to do is run into the water and tumble in the waves. I have become infatuated by it.
Yesterday, I got chased by a wave. It was amazing. I was standing on the beach, looking out over the ocean, a dreary grey sky up above. When I noticed a wave coming. For some reason, I thought, I'm gonna run and let it chase me. I turned around and no sooner than I did, it came up quickly all around me, gushing forward, drenching me to my thighs. That wave went all the way up into the sand dunes. A rogue wave. Everything we had brought with us was pushed up the beach, soaked with sand and sea. Luckily, my camera stayed relatively dry. But I didn't even care, I was so impressed.

This is what its all about right now.

Living out here on the "farm" in Mullumbimby is a challenge everyday..It's lifeskills I'm learning here. Survival. From the tiny little things, like sharing and being considerate of the many housemates(when you're used to being all on your own) to physically difficult things to do, like using a machete to hack down jungle-like vines and wading through 5ft grass hoping no snakes are about.(I guess thats mental, but still..) The spiders still get me. Yesterday, I shrieked uncontrollably as one jumped out of a box I was rummaging through. damn things are HUGE. and quick.

Anyway, I've decided to stay a bit, for lack of a better, cheaper option for the next week. I don't know how it'll go. The brother is going through a messy split up with the Mrs. and two kids (poor buggers) so its "dramas", and the work is medial and sometimes trivial and pointless in my opinion. Two brothers trying to build a room, with big dreams and ideas flying through the air but little actually getting done. "Boom, boom boom and its done, ya see.?." over and over again. I get frustrated at times, and want to give up. But something is keeping me here, and as the rain buckets down on this chilly winter morning in May, I think, this is a home. The only one I know for now. Another week I can handle. And then...off for more adventure.

Things Australian

There are many things worth noting about the difference between Oz and ATX, America. And as the saying goes, it's just the little things, that mean so much. So I'll tell you a bit about what I've observed in my 4 months down under.

First things first, the women here spare no expense on beauty. It is not uncommon for them to be fully decked out in party make up at 7am for a play date in the park, and not at all surprising if they show up in heels. They even make little plastic knobs to put on the end of your stilettos so you don't sink into the grass at weddings or other outdoor functions. They love them. They all know how to walk in them, even the young ones. I have met several women with hair extensions, and even fake eyelashes sewn in. Baffling, coming from a town where most women don't even bother with make up. Even more baffling? The men LOVE IT. Seeing girls all tarted up is what gets them going. A bit dissapointing. I do believe, however, Hollywood is to blame for most of this, as they are also obsessed with American media. Most of their TV is American, and they get all the US films, if not a bit late. No wonder. Entourage is one of their favorite shows.

NOW-I am willing to admit that this could very well be going on right under my nose in my own home town and me be none the wiser. But that is the beauty of traveling. You see everything as if for the first time. You notice the little things, like all the pretty sculptures and fountains, the street art and graffitti. What people are wearing, their slang, my favorite thus far "Sweet as!" meaning "awesome" or in my terms, "baddass"..the not so great ones like "you reckon?" or using Zed for "Z" . The mispronunciations of the words herb and tomato still shits me. (Yet another slang term for being a pet "hate"/pieve)
You could go all day with an aussie exchanging what word we use for this or that, as they have created their own little language within the English one. Another one of my favorite things they do is give people obscure nicknames, like Flick, Jono, Simo (for John or Simon, still not sure what Flick is short for) or for a different example, if they think someone looks like a "serial" killer, nicknaming them Kellogs. Adding "o" or "ie" to stuff after shortening it is a typical slang rule in Oz, although there are many exceptions, like "arvo" which means afternoon...where do they get the "v"? Furthermore, they have several other colorful words to mean, ahem, "f-ed up" in our terms. Stuffed, rooted, shagged, etc, etc.

At any rate, these are the things I see in my everyday life in Australia. The women are slutty, the men are hungry, and everyone is a little bit potty mouthed. They drink alot, but NEVER drinkdrive, and depending on who you meet, they may just take you for a ride.

Out on the Range

Standing in the middle of that open field today, I overcame some major fears about life. I saw a vastness that I have never seen or felt before. Laid out before me, was life. It was raw and a little dangerous, thick grass all around..you don't know what you're stepping into. Beware of the snakes. I am terrified but with a little faith and courage, I took the first steps. So scared at first, I sang out loud, to soothe my own nerves and hopefully scare away any vermin that would be lurking under there. Soon though, I began to take more confident steps until I was trudging thru like I owned the place. I watered those trees and it felt good to be there. Without fear. Such a simple task but in doing so, I was giving back to the earth. An equal exchange. I am finally beginning to realize how precious it is. WHAT it is, at all. Its not something that comes easy for me. I have to work at finding the point in most tasks. But maybe that's because I've been doing the wrong ones. Wide open spaces, and bringing life to the living. Feels pretty damn good out here.

Beyond the "Big Smoke"

I've completely switched gears, and I am loving every minute of it. Took the late ( and only train) from Gosford to Nabiac, arriving near midnight Sunday, after spending a lovely weekend with Celie, the late blooming jazz singing sweetheart. She scooped me up from Town Hall in Sydney and drove us out to Avoca Beach, quite possibly the loveliest I've seen yet. The surf was mesmerizing there, perfect sets lining up for the surfers who jumped off the cliffs into the sea foam and somehow emerged unscaved and paddled out to meet their destiny. I sat for hours watching and listening to the waves, thinking, "I am in the most beautiful place in the world" both literally and physically. Simply amazing. And no digital picture could capture that beauty so I didn't even try. I'll keep that in the vault. My memory, of such a perfect moment in this grande journey. We sang, we ate, we laughed, oh, such a time. And now, out on the prairie, so to speak, in Nabiac, this tiny little town in the middle of no where. Miles and miles of field and trees and plants..galore! I planted raddish, pok choi, dill, cherry tomatoes, as well as propagated rosemary and geranium. Learning all kinds of good stuff, and having a ball doing it. What could be better?? I don't know. I tell you, this is what I came here for. And its coming true! Having the time of my life here in Nabiac. Some call me crazy, but I am on a journey and nothing is stopping me from learning a whole new way of life. Big smiles, waving from here :)

p.s. the burger shown above, is the best I've ever had. Grilled pineapple, aussie bacon, beetroot, fried egg, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, cheese...delicious! no sauce needed.

From here.

The journey thus far something out of a movie. Each interaction with strangers strengthens my desires to keep going..everyone so supportive of this hairbrain idea I have of finding my happiness. If you don't know, you might as well go. Go anywhere you want to, see the world, adventure. I've done things I never thought I would, just because I could, and I can't help but feel a little naughty, a little guilty, for this freedom I have. I shouldn't. It was my decisions, good and bad, that brought me here. NO one can take credit for that but me.

From here, I have decided to alter the plan. Originally meant to spend the next 3 months in Sydney, another big city, I opted for a more complicated path. I want more out of this than bright lights and boozy nights. Through couchsurfing and wwoofing, I'll be spending the month of May with complete strangers, in random little towns, who have taken a leap of faith on me, and invited me into their homes to stay and live like they do. Tonight, at the stroke of 6pm, Celie, the late blooming jazz singer will sweep me from the steps of Town Hall and drive me to Gosford. She lives there, about 1 1/2 hours north of Sydney. From the reactions of the Sydneysiders, "Why are you going THERE?" I know I'll like it. Away from it all. And in the company of someone who seems from our interactions, to have alot to offer me in my quest to find my voice.

Then on Mother's Day, I will travel out to Nambiac, another 1 1/2 hrs north from Gosford, to stay with a family of 3. Cherylea owns a seedling nursery, some horses, dogs, cats and chooks (chickens). She sells her wares at the local weekend markets, and in exchange for room and board I will help her wherever needed. She sounds like a really fun lady, and I'm anxious to meet her 16 yr old daughter Tegan, and husband Martin and all their animals. Here I will dig in the dirt, walk the dogs, snatch eggs from the chickens (who apparently love Meatloaf. the singer. not the food.), and enjoy the country life for a while. I can't wait. Then out to Hunter Valley, for some work on a vineyard..I will be doing exactly what I want to be doing. Learning. Living. Laughing. and Loving. Blessings. I am speechless about my luck here.

Happy days ahead is my forecast. As the weather gets chilly, I will seek shelter in the warmth of aussie hospitality. Out of the city. Into the country. Exploring all possibilities. On the hunt for me.

Journey to Port Kembla

I left my home in Melbs at just before 6am yesterday, and as I walked down Punt Rd toward Richmond station, it began to pour down rain. Cold rain. And all I could do was smile as I mentally said goodbye to that chapter. I boarded the train, and off I went. Upon arriving at Southern Cross, I found the Skybus that hauls you to the airport and got in. Another 20 mins and I was at the airport. After an anxiety riddled 20 min check in where they weigh your bags, I managed to sneak onboard with way more stuff than you're allowed (I had 4 layers of clothes on, books stuffed into my carry on "purse" a laptop bag full of beach towels and cds. But I was home free! no extra charges. I gave the man a big ol Texan smile and waited for boarding. And waited. It was nearly time for our flight to take off and still, we waited. Lots of other passengers began looking as confused as I felt, but finally, they called our flight, and we all shuffled out to the tar mat, boarding from both ends of the plane. What a genius idea! We need to do this in the states. So fast. We were in the air in no time and after a quick 1 hr, we landed in Sydney. Shuffled along to baggage claim ,then down the stairs to the trains.

This is where things got confusing. I knew where I needed to go and had some pretty specific directions from my host but train time tables confuse the hell outta me. I told the ticket seller where I was headed. He looked confused. Bad sign. But printed me out a ticket for $20 that said Port Kembla on it so I figured that was a good sign. Now, how to get there. I spoted a platform that had one of the many stops listed on my directions on it listed. Winner! from there, I must have gotten on and off of 4 different trains. The last one, as I boarded it, the announcer informed us that there had been a breakdown on that line and we were indefinately held up. Bummer. I texted Tesha and let her know. She and Ben happily met me in Wollongong a few hours later in a white rainbow bus fully decked out. AWESOME!!

We spent the evening with some antipasto, a walk to the beach, then pizza and a few glasses of red. Their cat Kaffey is a sweet fluffy black lover, and it felt so good to snuggle with a feline ( miss my babies). We stopped by a friends house and met a delightful family. I scored a necklace from the sweet little girl and the dad gave me a cd of his band ( more australian music yay!)

What a wonderful day! I am so happy right now. As hard as it was to move on, as soon as I did, I feel a great relief. I am not stuck. I don't need to be scared. This is my journey. And it has only just begun.

DONT THINK

There's a whole other world out there I have only begun to scratch the surface of..

It can be so confusing, when attempting to use past knowledge for brand new concepts. It really doesn't apply. No matter how hard I try, I have the hardest time understanding the ways of doing in this foreign land. I get my feelings all hurt and up in a bundle over things that are mere jokes and truffles to them. Guys and gals don't seem to mind too much about sleeping around, and it's a usual Thurs/Fri/Sat night to pick up a random at the bar and go home with them, whether you like them or not, whether you have a girlfriend/wife or not, and sometimes, its the girlfriend/wife that's trying to pick you up. So strange a concept to me, being so picky and unsure of letting my heart out there, or my body for that matter..I don't THINK I'm a prude, but then again, I might be in aussie terms. Perhaps I am just more aware of it now, with my senses so alert with newness. I seem to cling to the mind body connection as that is what is familiar and comfortable for me, but it doesn't seem to work for me. They seem to be having heaps more fun. I want to have more fun.

Alot less thinking and more doing is what's in order, or surely I will drown in all this thought. Thoughts are mere perceptions. From one side of the coin, and I am a lonely scared little girl, lost at sea, who can't commit to anything and has nothing. And on the other, a free spirited, courageous young lady with nothing to lose, and nothing holding me back from my wildest dreams. The world is my oyster and I can do anything, go anywhere, be anyone. Assuming I can get past all the hang ups. Up, there I go again. Flip the coin, and I'm back on top. Heads. Fly little birdie fly..think free, think light as a feather, think..no, DONT THINK.

And so it goes..

I'm taking the leap and moving on. It was a hard decision to make, as I am more terrified of whats on the other side than I thought I ever would be..but I've gone too far now to go back, and to stay still would be pointless. I already know whats here in Melbourne. And it was fun, LOTS of fun, for a while. But it never lasts, it never works out like you think it will, and at the end of the day, I'm still me. The silly sad girl with a chip on her shoulder and an appetite for adventure. What was keeping me here was just a passing fling, it was never meant to be anything BUT fun. But how do you control your emotions? I'm starting to learn how. It is a decision you make. Decide to be happy. Not to wallow in the self pity and the sad when it gets you down. For so long when this feeling crept up on me, I embraced it. Revelled in it. Dare I say, I MUST have been enjoying it. But its exhausting, letting your troubles weigh you down, especially when you want so badly, to find your happy. And I do. I really do. SO much so, that I up and left everything I thought was weighing me down and came to a place I thought would cure me. Absolute FREE. Well, as free as my tolerance will allow. I have clothes and some money. But what I'm missing, whats missing, is a home. And now, having been away for so long, I no longer look at Austin as home. NO WHERE is home. and that's a scary, but very "free" place to be. Problem with me is, I'm not sure I want to be free. I just havent found anything worth commiting to. Everything and everyone is and are so damn dissapointing. Are my expectations too high? Should I not want for what I truly believe I deserve? To be passionate, to feel alive, to be grateful everyday for the things that I have? Some days I dont feel anything but numb. And some days, no matter what I decide, that self pity just wont leave me alone.

What now? Keep on truckin..as some one once said. It's become my moto here. Cuz times they can be hard, out here all alone in this big bad world where nothing makes sense and its always a gamble. I could get on that plane in two weeks and find the life I've always dreamed of waiting on the other end of that flight. Or, I can miss what I had here, there, anywhere else and be sad. All I do know is that I must, no matter what, keep it together. In the end, I am the only thing I've got. So I better not fold under pressure. Keep my head above water. And never stop fighting the endless battle.

Dreams

Never in my life have I had such vivid dreams. My past haunts me in my sleep, processing the hurts and losses and mishaps of lessons learned. And yet it still provides me no answers to the pressing questions in my head. Only unsettled feelings as I awake. What do you WANT Vic? Why are you out here in a strange land all alone trying to figure out why you're lonely? Last night I had a waitressing nightmare, and I havent been a waitress in years! The truth is when I'm left alone with my thoughts, they plague me. And I wonder if that's what I meant to do. Now with the thought of moving on from here, I am suddenly scared of picking up and starting all over again. It's exhausting to begin with nothing. Moving here was such an emotional turmoil. I've now met some people I really like, have a house and roomate that rocks (the best roomie I've EVER had) and even a little romance in my life. Sure my job sucks, but at the same time, it provides me the flexibility and free food that a poor traveler like myself needs. I have to ask myself how long could you be happy here? Or am I truley happy at all. Maybe I'm overthinking it, no I definitely am, but that's how I do it. get myself all worked up and wrapped around my timid heart and then I can't move. Paralyzed with fears of the times I did take bold steps, and it didn't work out. Of course I don't like to admit these things to myself or others, but I am truley scared of the fact that I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I just have to take some comfort in the fact that I am, whether I like it or not. Going. Doing. Until I find the right place and thing to be and do. and it may be nothing at all. That has to be ok. For now.

Tasmania

What an enchanted land, full of strange little creatures and plants. Such lush rainforests, lakes, crystal clear beaches and wide open fields, all within a few hours of each other, surrounded by mountain ranges. Most of the island is National Forest, so for $60, you can buy a parks pass and camp in any of the parks for about $6 a head, if you are a group of 4, which we were.

And so the trip began, the four of us piled into a tram/bus fiasko that took nearly all day Wednesday to reach the airport within minutes of them closing check ins. When flying Tiger Airways, the very cheap but you MUST read the fine print airline for domestic Australia flights...we ended up shelling out another $50 for extra weight in our luggage but we made our flight and by 10pm that night, managed to get our rental car and found a hostel with an en suite bath (very rare) for the crew.

I failed to mention first off that I had come down with a terrible head cold about two days prior to our trip and was in pretty bad shape come time to leave. Conveniently, the last day of our camping, I began to feel better. And by better, I mean not blowing my nose every 5 minutes and coughing my head off. Nothing like sleeping on the ground in a cold land to clear up your head. The hiking did help, and the air in Tasmania, what little of it I could smell, was the freshest, sweetest air there is. We camped near the beach the first two nights, and listened to the ocean while we tried to sleep. I don't know what it is, but I never seem to sleep much when camping. I lay awake all night, just listening to the earth..the sound of the waves crashing, the rustle of the leaves, tiny little things moving in the night. And of course, the incessant whistling of my nostrils all stuffed up with goo. But it was beautiful, and the camp grounds were well equiped with toilets and running water..although showers were extra, so we didn't do much of that.

I suppose I should
introduce the cast and crew of our Tasmanian Escavation..Virginia, 25 and Rob 28, a couple from Austin/Florida/Katy area..whom I met through a friend on FB. They'd been traveling since August, from Scotland to Thailand and then from western Australia to Melbourne 2 months ago. And Gabe, a 19 yr old frenchman survivalist type, fully equiped with high tech camera gear. Hard core camping fools, I'll tell you. They pushed me to my hygenic and gastronomical limits, eating can after can of tuna and peanut butter sandwiches, and like I said, ONE shower the entire 6 days of rough and tough hiking and camping. This city girl was pretty darn proud of how dirty, hungry, and yet happy I could be.

Each day we set out on the road and found a gorgeous water fall, deep green forest or sandy beach to google at. Each place, absolutely breathtaking. I got on a kick of taking pics of all the different colors of fungus and mushrooms, and little odd berries and seed pods, all so different from anything I've ever seen before in my life. A truely eye opening experience, and while there were some trials and tribulations along the way (Robbie getting stung by a near deadly wasp, un beknownst to us at the time, Virginia leaving the cap lose on one of our water bottles and soaking our gear, my snotty face and Gabe's lack of funds towards the end.) WHAT a trip! And so glad to be home in my Melbourne house, with unlimited hot water and matress, my friends down the road and hopefully a job to go back to after the long Easter weekend to replenish my funds after a week of not working.

But what to do now? I've see almost all I set out to in Victoria. My planned 3 months up in nearly a week..where do I go from here? Head north for the winter? Virg and Rob are headed to Byron Bay. I'm due in Sydney at the end of April for a rock show and couchsurfing in Woolongong. I have no idea what to do or where I'll end up, but soon, I'll be leaving again, on another great adventure in Oz...

Reflections

I can always tell what time it is by the volume of the traffic outside my window. I live on a busy street, and around 6am things get going, and are pretty steady til 9. It doesn't bother me, and if you listen to it just right, it kinda sounds like the ocean. While I'm cozy in my bed thinking happy thoughts, the city around me comes alive. People LIVE here. Get up every day and do their thing. And what a strange position I'm in. To be neither here nor there. Yeah, I reside here currently, and yes I'm living (it up at them moment ;), but I damn sure don't WORK here, not as much as I should be. That part of this journey has proven more difficult that I thought. Perhaps it's because I am picky. I don't really want to work that much, and keep thinking "that's not what I'm here for.." Exactly what that is remains to be seen..

I am having such a wonderful time now! I've met some really good friends who are determined to make my experience wonderful, taking me out and around and showing me the town. Melbourne is growing on me daily. Everyday is another one to smile about as I fall asleep at night. No more nightmares. I won a poker game last night, traveled the Great Ocean Road in style, had amazing cocktails like The Pharmacy at Dur Ham, and more importantly, I am doing exactly what I wanted to do here. Get inside, beyond the tourism, and do what the locals do. I'll be camping in Tazzy in a week or so, maybe off to Sydney either Easter or by the end of the month. I've made some pretty solid decisions (but no bookings ;)to take the train from Adelaide to Darwin, straight through The Red Center..most Australians haven't even done that! I'm even half considering once I'm done with all that, and the winter subsides, coming back to Melbourne for a few months before I make my way back to the states. But who knows what will happen. This is only the first leg of my trip. So much more to come. Hard to wrap your head around all the possiblities. And how one moment, can change everything.

What is Love?

Anyone who's known me for longer than a week knows that I am a hopeless romantic. Perhaps too much American television, where the guy always gets the girl at the end of the 30 minute episode, where it seems two people can conquer almost anything, together. Perhaps even its been the luck of having two parents who very obviously love each other still, after all these years. No matter really what the reason, its proven difficult for me to find my place in the matter.

What is Love?

Is it that moment where you lose yourself in their kiss? That your body melts into theirs during the slow dance.. Is it nights where you don't even need to sleep because just talking to that person gives you all the energy you need. Or when you finally do drift off, its with a shit eating grin on your face that almost hurts, its so wide. That you would do anything, even unthinkable things, just to keep them a little longer. And forget yourself..

Maybe that's what I've been mistaking for love. All the razzle dazzle of infatuation, that fatal initial attraction that makes you dizzy and drunk on the possibilites. It's not lasting, that kind of thing. I've made the mistake of pushing and pulling on someone for years trying to recreate that feeling, time and again because that was the only thing that was any good out of the whole ordeal. But as the smoke and mirrors dissapear, I reckon its more like knowing what that person REALLY looks like, "warts and all", finding even the not so pretty parts, endearing. Being able to accept them for everything that they are, and when the going gets tough, not letting go.
It all seems so hard. I don't know if I've ever truly been in love if thats the case. If I'm willing to go the distance. All I've ever wanted was the razzle dazzle, and for it to go on forever. And when the going got tough, I've usually made my exit, in one way or another. That once the fog lifts, its not such a magical picture full of glitz and glamour. Love really isn't very pretty at all.
I'd say just as much as anything else, I am on a mission to find love. I can't help it. I'm jealous of those I know who have it. I can't imagine that kind of acceptance. Maybe first I've got to accept myself, warts and all. That I am far from being the perfect specimen, and stop judging. I've got alot of work to do.

Am I Changing?

This is the question..2 months away from "home", Austin that is, and nearly that long in Australia. Weeks pass and they feel like months as everyday something new, different, or something I've never seen crosses my path, yet it all starts to look the same. I work, HARD at my job, serving coffee and lunch to those who broadcast live on the airwaves in Melbourne..wishing I was doing something else. But what? What do I want to do? Where is this journey taking me? Further down the road I've already been, in a different country, but the same ol shit, different country. I want to see something DIFFERENT. And so I'll leave Melbourne soon, in the next 6 weeks, and look for something else, something that isn't the same as I've already seen. Bush country perhaps..and some other kind of folks. Need to stop drinking in the city, and start soaking up the scenery..

Tex Mex

It was a success! Virginia made these AWESOME tofu veggie enchiladas that blew my mind, especially since I don't particularly care for tofu, half vegan for Katia, and half smothered with the best "mexican" cheese we could find, a white cheddar type called Tasty (hah). I made traditional Clowe Nachos with refried beans, pickled jalapenos (one on each chip) and cheese, with fresh guacamole and pico de gallo on the side. I also made quesadillas with spinach, mushrooms, capsicum, garlic, onion and of course, cheese. Robbie followed with black beans !YAY!that he managed to find at the Vic Market and I also scored some Tecate from the half price wine store down the road for $9.95 a sixer, with limes and salt for us Texans. My neighbors Rob and Simon came down and enjoyed the food, although Simon refused the pico because he said hot stuff made him sweat..but all in all, a lovely afternoon and evening spent with friends and my favorite thing..FOOD! It wasn't even too expensive, as I went to the market a walking distance from our house, and picked up most of the veggies for cheap. Apparently thats the only way to shop cheaply. The markets are cheap, the grocery store is NOT, especially for fruit and veg. Kinda backwards, or should I just say different from home, where a trip to the farmers market is a hit in the pocket.
Having a party put me back in a better frame of mind, reminding me how much I love to entertain, and even though it was small, it was just the right amount of people, and everyone pitched in for the effort. I LOVE it when it all works out like that. They even stayed to help clean up! And now I have my Sunday to laze around, drink tea and read my latest purchase, a used copy of The Devil Wears Prada.
I also had a very interesting conversation with Virginia that made me realize that while I get lonely, and I mean really lonely and scared traveling alone, I am doing it the only way I could..solo. I need my space, and time and when I want company, I just have to go out and find it. Or pick up a book, or turn on the tunes (which by the way, all my local favs on my MP3 player has been saving my LIFE)
Everything is as it should be. And in due time, I am confident it will make sense to me. How, why, what, when...etc. Life.

There is something wrong with this picture..

I am on "holiday" working 30 hrs a week trying to make enough money to actually enjoy myself here in Melbourne. I wake at 8am (some days 6am), have a cup of tea and a light brekky, then trudge off to work at 9 to get there by 10. I work til 6, and then trudge back, through the cold, heat, sun, rain..whatever happens to be the mood of mother nature that day. I get home around 7, with a bag full of free food that they were going to chuck, and eat as much as I can, try to pawn off some to my other traveling friends who are broke and hungry too. I am exhausted. I can't sleep well as the terrible nightmares are plaguing me still, almost every night. And I am doing nothing that I WANT to do. But what else CAN I do? If I quit this job, finding another will be hard and I will never make it through a year without more money that I've got. Just to send a letter costs over $2! Rent here is $175/wk, and that is cheap for where I am and what I've got, only one roomie who's hardly ever home. And that would be GREAT if I had some friends here. But I only have a few and they seem to forget about me quickly unless there is constant communication. I am lonely. I am tired. I am weary. And I am lost at sea, literally. I do not know what I need to do to be happy here, not to worry or be frightened by the nightmares and the thought that I may not make it here. It is hard and I am still myself, the same old worrying self conscious, brokenhearted me that can't GET OVER IT. Get over it! So what if the love of your life hasn't crossed your path? I'd rather be alone than with someone I don't love. So what if your job sucks? They all do. Being the new girl is the worst. The girls pick on me all the time, telling me what to do and over correcting my every move. I am guilty for these offenses,and I am getting a taste of my own medicine and it is BITTER. hard to swallow. Tears well up sometimes and I fight hard not to let them see my frustration as I see them doing all the things they tell me not to do. Some days they're nice, but they never invite me to do anything with them like my austin peeps would, and at the end of the day, its the long walk home for me. As if I had energy for much else.I am feeling sorry for myself and I am sorry for feeling sorry for myself because I should be glad to be here, for this opportunity, but I am tired and I wish someone would hold me. Tell me its ok, that they love me and I am not alone. But I am. And no one comes. And the tears well up again and this time I'm alone and I let them come. Maybe this will help. Get it out. And get over it. This will only make you stronger. This will only make you appreciate your life as it once was so easy, and now so challenging, everyday so much harder, just to "be". I know it will get better. But these pages are for my rantings, for whomever wants to listen to what goes on inside your head when you're alone in the world with your own head, and you can't get out of it. I can't get out of it. Or over it. But I WILL> If its the only thing I do here, I will get out of my head and get on with my life and forgive and forget all the sad things that brought me here. I am only human. I make mistakes and that is the only way I know how to learn. And so I go on..alone in this world, searching for the happiness I have only ever dreamed of so long ago, I've forgotten now what it looks like. But I'll know it when I see it. For now I pray for the nightmares to go away, for a peaceful sleep and a better day tomorrow than today. Goodnight.

Venting Part II

Frustrations

I have concocted a cure for mine out of muddled mint leaves, honey, a splash of limon juice, shot (or two) of whiskey and a dash of water over ice. Nothing to do on a Monday night, my roomates have the only seats at the cardtable in the house that aren't boiling ( no air con in the bedrooms) so I am stationed on the balcony balancing my laptop on my lap sitting on the concrete. It hurts my bum. And my spirits are not dampened, but on fire.

"Mama said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this my mama said.."

ah well, after a 30 min walk to and from the tram in 34 C, 8 hrs on my feet, and a row with my landlord, I'm a bit spent, but still simmering. Ray LaMontagne blaring from my tiny speakers I smoke the last cigarette from Austin. I've been saving it for a time like this. When I am out of ideas on how to entertain myself joyfully. I watched the Spirit of Tasmania cruiser ship out as the sun went down. It was a beautiful send off. Now showered and dressed for bed, I cannot sleep. My mind twisting around what I'm doing out here, as it often does. Far from the comforts of even a makeshift home, my air mattress has begun deflating. Addressed some postcards to home, trying to ward off the inevitable lonely that happens when traveling alone. Not every day can be a party. Life won't last very long that way anyway. Some days you just have to breathe in a little deeper, and take it as it comes. I'm not unhappy, just the usual disatisfaction when things don't go my way. I am insatiable, and therefor not worried by this feeling. Just saddened that life can't be joyful all the time. Why so cruel? At least the nightmares have subsided, for the most part now my dreams are just silly pieces of memories mixed with my new reality. I think Johnny Depp was in my dreams last night, so not all that bad I suppose. I should get some sleep. The construction workers start early with all their drilling and pounding, cutting and pasting up another new condo building right next door to this cheaply made one. With the window wide open it makes for a rude awakening at 630 am, from a steamy sleep in the Melbourne summer heat. I watched a special last night on Black Saturday. February 7, 2009 was the worst bush fire this area has ever seen. Many lives were taken as a blazing inferno ripped through the countryside, with virtually no warning, entire cities were burned to the ground. It was heartbreaking to hear the stories, one in particular, a grandmother lost her grandchildren in her own house, unable to get them out in time..what a burden to bear. To have to tell her daughter that she'd lost them, unable to protect them. This country is brutal at times, I've seen it with my own eyes, felt it's burning sun and gale force winds, that change on a dime and then the cold summer nights. Unreal. Extreme. That's life in Australia for now.

Venting

Reality Sets in After a Month..
and it's all the same. Only WORSE, in fact. Now the "new girl" at work, I do all the shit work of course, work the yucky shifts, etc. After a long day on my feet doing the dirty work, I get ANOTHER annoying phone call from my temporary lawyer landlord about bills.??$!!$!! I thought they were all included, in fact, I am nearly sure we agreed upon it, and now he changes his tune. He has rung me nearly every day in the 3 weeks I've lived here about something or other. I am sick of his voice and his nagging texting and now I am just sick of him and want out of here asap. Good thing it's Saturday before I know it, and I'll be moving from here and this. THAT part is the wonderful thing about this traveling. Never in one place, no matter how good or bad, for very long. And now that I have my camera back, I can commence with the sightseeing and documenting. I am getting my bearings now, and can navigate around town pretty well with my map. Once I'm in Richmond, I've got a friend just down the road and a park across the street. In fact, I can walk through the park to work everyday if I want. Work has managed to get 4 days out of me, but at $15/hr cash I can't complain. It will allow me some time and money to figure out my next move, and enjoy the rest of my time here, with alot less stress, I HOPE. Let's hope. Once winter sets in here, I'll need to find warmer drier ground. Once I've got internet at home, I can do some research and figure out where's next and what's what. And what else to do while I'm here. Call the bank. Release my funds. Book a flight, and have some FUN!

On a Dime.

On A Dime..

Life so far in Australia, much like the weather, changes on a dime. One moment, I am in the throws of depression. No job, way over budget, feeling nearly defeated, and wondering if I'll have to go home early with my tail tucked between my legs if things don't change..and then a phone call. A job I had nearly forgotten about, through a friend of a friend (Loooong shot) called up wanting to know if I could come in the next day, 10:30am..YEEEESSS!! I certainly can, I reply. And suddenly, it all looks brighter. I go about the day trying not to get my hopes up, too much stock in this long shot. But what if...

I arrived early today, at a big business building with security at the front desk. Surely I am in the wrong place? But she said the ABC building..? Well, ABC stands for Australia Broadcasting Center, where all the news and radio happens. Sacre Blu! All day long, I serve programmers and news casters for Melbourne proper..including the infamous JJJ (triple J), which I am familiar with from the Australia Day Pool Party, where we listened to the top 100 count down of the year on this station. I am in HEAVEN! The job is easy, all counter service and good food ( as much as I can eat or drink) nice people to work with, and better yet, they seem to like me! They asked me to come back any way. And send me home with some vegetarian lasagna at the end of the day. Free dinner, a days work consisting of hob knobbing with those I have similar interests in ( music, entertainment) AND a good cello connect. The Melbourne Symphonic Orchestra happens to do their recording sessions..IN MY BUILDING! I am walking on air today ladies and gents...feeling that kismet brought me here on this day. Thank you gods and goddesses. Thanks for hearing my cries for help, and delivering me to a great opportunity. I won't let you down. I'll do my best, give it my best shot. I am so blessed...

One Month from Austin..

23/01/2010

It's been a month now since I left good ol' Austin, the home I love to hate, that I feel I can never escape, but I inevitably miss that place (those people), when I'm far away from anything I know. So far, Melbourne has been rough going. The weather is crazier than Texas, from 50 to 113 in two days, with rain, cold, boiling hot humidity to cool, breezy and sunny-literally, all in one day. It's alot to take in, to try and fit in, among. Factor in jetlag, knowing no one but my dear Katia, who (bless her soul) has been a lifesaver in my darkest moments. Australia on the whole, is nothing like what I imagined or read about before arriving. Granted, I've been here a little over 2 weeks, some of which was spent on the road with Katia and Amanda on our "Fantasmic Fab Roadie to Syd". I don't really know what to make of it all. People aren't as friendly as I imagined they'd be (other than Katia, who I am convinced is my guardian angel on this journey). I've met only a handful of people on my own. I haven't drank NEAR as much as I thought I would (probably a good thing) haven't smoked in a month (also good)..you'd think my mind would be clear, focused. Quite the opposite. Clarity still evades me. I'm having a hard time remembering why I'm here, to be HERE. My mind keeps slipping into the "what should I be doing?" bit, where I only go in circles til I fall down. I DON'T KNOW!!!! That's why I'm here. To sort myself out. Make sense of why I can't stay still, why I'm always looking further than I can see for something better that where I am. What's wrong with where I am? Well, I'm starting to think that it's because I'M there. Ya know? The old saying, that keeps being beat into my head.."wherever you go, there you are." YOU are still there. If I figure out how to escape myself, I'll be sure and blog that one. Until then, I will take solice in the little things that are making me happy right now:
1) I just made the best lentils using garlic, onion, a little "seasoning salt" and fresh tomato as garnish with some white rice..YUM. so hungry. and FREE! (raided roomies food stash)
2) I've got a gorgeous view of the city from this empty apartment.
3) I am blasting my old playlists from 'Around the Town Sounds" and remembering what a bad ass programmer I am as I sit alone at a card table for dinner while everyone else is out for drinks I can't afford
4) This is exactly where I want to be :) believe it or not...

To Sydney and back without a Map

Tuesday morning. What was meant to be an early start, ended up being nearly noon before we got out of Melbourne and onto the Hume highway.799K to Sydney, all in one day. The less pretty but quicker way to get from point A to B, which was our intent for the first leg of our roadie. We packed up the UT (pronounced "yute" short for utility vehicle)with sleeping bags, filled the eskie (igloo) with fruit and veg and beers and we were off. Needless to say, it was nearly 9pm when we reached Sydney, after an excruciatingly boring and seemingly endless trek through the barren desert like part of Victoria/New South Wales. looked alot like west Texas, actually. We had vague directions to Amanda's cousins place in Manly, the tourist beach bummy town a 30 min ferry ride from Sydney. As soon as we hit Sydney, the scenery changed. It was lush and green and very, very chic. Hello BIG city..it was all very confusing, with multiple tunnels and bridges and how we made it out only making one wrong turn I don't know. But we arrived in Manly unscathed, just slightly shaken. Manda's cousin Raph rushed us into our bathers (swimsuits) and we toddled off to the beach at 10pm for a swim. NO WAY! it was freezing with the wind blowing, but Katia braved the water along with Raph. Manda and I stood shivering on the beach.It was a nice change from the 45C in Melbourne, but nevertheless, quite shocking. This was only the beginning of the shocking weather to come. Apparently in Australia they have what they call "cool changes" in the middle of summer, and it can drop 30 degrees and rain and wind like I've never seen, but am seeing with my own two eyes as I look out the window and sit in my coat and socks shivering while writing this. Lucky for me, I've got a cup of tea.
Back to the story. We headed out to Sydney by ferry the next morning after a terrible sleep. One thing to note about Manly-very sticky. humidity. Gotta love it. We all had to shower every morning after sweating all night in the stuffy apt. No one got much sleep. Sydney,from what I saw, was alot like New York. Shops upon shops of clothes and shoes, thai restaurants EVERYWHERE (we ate at Chat Thai, very delicious and surprisingly affordable)and quaint little cafes to eat avocado smeared on toast and chai tea for two. An enjoyable day, with ice cream for dessert. We took the late ferry back to Manly to not sleep again, and the next day, it was raining and cold. So much for our day at the beach. We hit the Sydney museum instead. A very entertaining exhibit of Martin Sharp works. More food: dumplings in Chinatown, then pumpkin pizza at Hugos (where all the boy waiters were "tootable").

Ah yes. So our little social experiment concocted on our long drive in. We decided (Katia initiated it) that we would toot (honk) at good looking boys, just as they do to good looking girls on the road to see how they reacted. Then we devised the "mental toot" for when we were stationary, so as not to cause a ruckus. There was also a hand movement for this. What FUN! We had many laughs and it was such a thrill. I think the boys enjoyed it as well.

After many beers and mental toots, we retired to Raph's balcony for more Coopers and laughs.I slept much better that night, but in the morning, it was time to pack it up and head out. We'd gotten some disturbing news via text that their fav bar was closing its doors on Sunday. We weren't due back til Monday, but the girls insisted we head back and shorten our camping days and arrive back Sunday to say goodbye to their beloved bar, The Tote. Fine by me, I'm just a passenger in this journey.

We didn't get very far the first day, traveling only 300K of our 1000K to get back to Melbourne the long way, along the east coast, but boy was it LOVELY..so green, rolling hills and fantastic coastlines. THIS was a much better way to spend hours upon hours in a car.We stopped to camp in Bateman's Bay. That night was uneventful, but I still didn't sleep very well. Nightmares have been plaguing me since I arrived in Australia and that night they were particularly bad. We were up and on the road by 8:30am with full intentions of stopping along the way at some of the beaches for dips in between our hours of driving. The first beach we stopped at was sooo windy, and it seemed as soon as we arrived, menacing clouds began forming and moving in our direction. The girls got in for a very sea weedy swim. I stayed on the beach and tried to keep my hat on and not freeze, as the temperature dropped dramatically with the sun behind the clouds and gale force winds blowing of the chilly water.We managed a very quick picnic out of the back of the UT and kept on trucking. We hit a particularly rough patch of storm after that, and us along with a half dozen other cars had to pull off the road and let it pass. Torrential rains and wind. It was intense. Then quick as it came,it left and the sun came out. Now, it was boiling. With steam rising up from the road and the sky a brilliant blue. It got very pleasant towards tee early evening, and we pulled up to Cape Conrad, a lovely rocky beach. It was not so windy here, and the sun was out and I got into the water for a little swim. Man, was the eater salty. It stung my eyes, so I didn't stay in long. But the sand had flecks of silvery gold shining in the sunlight, and we explored the rock pools for creatures. I saw a starfish and some crabs and sea anenemies. It was a lovely beach. We wanted to camp there, but it was fully booked til Jan 23rd ( i can understand why) Instead, we opted for a place called Jungle Beach, up the road a bit. It was hilarious. A spacious camp ground and a man named Darin and his two little girls and wife and just purchased it a few months back. He was about as laid back as they come, just told us to "pull up over near the logs" and have a camp. And so we did. The sky was clear and it was making for a lovely sunset as we set up camp. Looking around for a plot not crawling with bull ants (look em up folks. the BIGGEST ants you have ever seen. Big as my pinky, swear to god)to set up our tent. These ants were about the only thing the girls seemed leery of. So I knew they were bad news. No sooner had we given up and just pitched the tent, did the clouds roll in and a fierce wind started blowing. Great. We crawled in the UT after securing the tent as best as we could and retrieving our pillows and blankets just in case. We sat in the car and had a beer, and waited. And waited. But the rain didn't come. The wind was crazy and the sound of it blowing in the trees was enough to make me think the sky was about to open up, every time it blew. This went on all night and finally at daybreak, it began to rain. It was cold and wet and we all 3 decided it was time to go home.
Only one day left of driving. We dried off as much as we could and loaded up for the last time. We must have stopped at 5 or 6 bakeries along the way. These girls were pastry eating FOOLS! I got a sausage roll (which isn't sausage at all, more like meaty type stuffing in a pastry) and ate some nuts and dried fruit. At this point in the trip, we are all very low on funds. I had spent all but $20 of the $300 I brought, $100 on petrol alone. But we were almost home. And as we rolled into Melbourne at about 5pm, we all rejoiced. YAY! We made it. To Sydney and back, without a map. The funniest part was, as were were wearily cleaning out the car, Katia found a map under the drivers seat. It had been there all along.

The First Days of Summer January 2010

Holy HELL is it hot here. The mercury topped off at 45C today, which is a scorching 113F. The sun blazes like nothing I've ever experienced, even as a Texan. I was out by the pool the other day, and had only my FEET out in a spot of sunlight. Later on, I saw that my feet had been burned. geez. Their sun is no joke.Sun cream a MUST at all times. which is doing nothing for my complexion, I tell you. Not sure if it was the time travel, getting my period the DAY after I got here, or the blazing heat but I am having a serious skin problem at the moment. Lovely. Thought I'd start out with the bad stuff. NOW, for the good stuff!! It is absolutely lovely here when the sun goes down, cool and breezy. There are rose bushes EVERYWHERE of every color. When the breeze blows, all you can smell are flowers and where I'm staying the landscaping is wonderful. We took a walk at dusk and saw bats flying overhead, and perching in trees..they were HUGE! and lots of spiders making their webs..facinating and a little frightening. I can walk 15 mins and be at the tram stop( haven't done that except after dark due to the extreme weather I seem to have brought with me)and a few parks near by. I had a childlike moment and stopped for a swing in one the other day. I swang so high, I caught air for a moment and it made me giggle like a little girl. Katia is a wonderful host, and I could not be luckier than to have someone to show me the ropes, as things can be a little tricky if you don't know what you're doing. Mostly, I've noticed, everything here costs more. Eating and drinking out are rediculous and luckily, except for my first day and a night out here or there, we've been staying in. Until I get a job, I think that's best. A 12oz beer here costs anywhere from $4.60-$7.50!!!! They're called pots, not pints, since they're smaller. That's been rather dissapointing..how is one supposed to get drunk THAT way? I'm sure I'll manage, but it does put a damper on things with no money coming in yet. We're headed to Sydney tomorrow for a week long adventure. It's a 10 hr drive, so we'll get there very late. Then spend a few days milling about, and head back down the coast, camping along the way. Should be good times, with me, Katia and Amanda. Girl Roadie!! That's what they call roadtrips. Roadies. I like it. Pretty much anything can be shortened and add an "ie" to the end..that's Aussie slang! I've learned all kinds of funny things so far, and more to come I'm sure. Hard to believe I've only been here 5 days. Lots has gone on, but at the same time, not much. huh. well, This was my first opportunity to log on and tell about the trip so far. Much more to come, and I'll post some pics from Sydney when we return.

Getting Ready

Wow. This has been quite an adventure already..and I haven't even left the states! Selling/giving up all my belongings was a sensation I cannot explain. Parting with those things that have seen me through some tough times, to Asheville, NC and back, and perhaps even further back than that. I consolidated it all into a few tubs and boxes, some hanging clothes (which didn't make it on the first run) and whatever I've decided to take with me on the journey. I left Austin for my hometown Houston on the 23rd of December in a mad dash. I was so ready THEN. I had no idea how ready I would be after spending nearly 2 weeks in the place I grew up. I saw all my relatives, spent some good quality time with them in fact. Something I haven't done in years. I reaffirmed my dislike of Houston and how hard it is to find my comfort zone here. I miss Austin so much more than I thought I would, and all my beloved ones (you know who you are ;) I miss knowing where to go to get what I want when I want it and most of all being in CONTROL. These are the growing pains I wanted to get out of the way before I made the huge jump to Oz. I AM READY.

The suitcase is packed. The plans have altered slightly on the off chance my Minde love can meet me in New Zealand over the summer months (their fall/wintery ones) and also my parents have decided to come visit for my birthday in September..wherever I may be. I'd like to take them to the Great Barrier Reef and have my first snorkeling experience, which they've become old hats at with all their Carribean cruises. So many hopes and dreams..can I fill them all in only a year? I sure can try!

Thanks to all who have made this possible. Whether it was your physical efforts or your mental support. I want you all to know how much it means to me that you are supporting my dreams. I hope that reading along as I discover another side of the world will be as rewarding for you.

Less than 48 hours to go..