Reflections

I can always tell what time it is by the volume of the traffic outside my window. I live on a busy street, and around 6am things get going, and are pretty steady til 9. It doesn't bother me, and if you listen to it just right, it kinda sounds like the ocean. While I'm cozy in my bed thinking happy thoughts, the city around me comes alive. People LIVE here. Get up every day and do their thing. And what a strange position I'm in. To be neither here nor there. Yeah, I reside here currently, and yes I'm living (it up at them moment ;), but I damn sure don't WORK here, not as much as I should be. That part of this journey has proven more difficult that I thought. Perhaps it's because I am picky. I don't really want to work that much, and keep thinking "that's not what I'm here for.." Exactly what that is remains to be seen..

I am having such a wonderful time now! I've met some really good friends who are determined to make my experience wonderful, taking me out and around and showing me the town. Melbourne is growing on me daily. Everyday is another one to smile about as I fall asleep at night. No more nightmares. I won a poker game last night, traveled the Great Ocean Road in style, had amazing cocktails like The Pharmacy at Dur Ham, and more importantly, I am doing exactly what I wanted to do here. Get inside, beyond the tourism, and do what the locals do. I'll be camping in Tazzy in a week or so, maybe off to Sydney either Easter or by the end of the month. I've made some pretty solid decisions (but no bookings ;)to take the train from Adelaide to Darwin, straight through The Red Center..most Australians haven't even done that! I'm even half considering once I'm done with all that, and the winter subsides, coming back to Melbourne for a few months before I make my way back to the states. But who knows what will happen. This is only the first leg of my trip. So much more to come. Hard to wrap your head around all the possiblities. And how one moment, can change everything.

What is Love?

Anyone who's known me for longer than a week knows that I am a hopeless romantic. Perhaps too much American television, where the guy always gets the girl at the end of the 30 minute episode, where it seems two people can conquer almost anything, together. Perhaps even its been the luck of having two parents who very obviously love each other still, after all these years. No matter really what the reason, its proven difficult for me to find my place in the matter.

What is Love?

Is it that moment where you lose yourself in their kiss? That your body melts into theirs during the slow dance.. Is it nights where you don't even need to sleep because just talking to that person gives you all the energy you need. Or when you finally do drift off, its with a shit eating grin on your face that almost hurts, its so wide. That you would do anything, even unthinkable things, just to keep them a little longer. And forget yourself..

Maybe that's what I've been mistaking for love. All the razzle dazzle of infatuation, that fatal initial attraction that makes you dizzy and drunk on the possibilites. It's not lasting, that kind of thing. I've made the mistake of pushing and pulling on someone for years trying to recreate that feeling, time and again because that was the only thing that was any good out of the whole ordeal. But as the smoke and mirrors dissapear, I reckon its more like knowing what that person REALLY looks like, "warts and all", finding even the not so pretty parts, endearing. Being able to accept them for everything that they are, and when the going gets tough, not letting go.
It all seems so hard. I don't know if I've ever truly been in love if thats the case. If I'm willing to go the distance. All I've ever wanted was the razzle dazzle, and for it to go on forever. And when the going got tough, I've usually made my exit, in one way or another. That once the fog lifts, its not such a magical picture full of glitz and glamour. Love really isn't very pretty at all.
I'd say just as much as anything else, I am on a mission to find love. I can't help it. I'm jealous of those I know who have it. I can't imagine that kind of acceptance. Maybe first I've got to accept myself, warts and all. That I am far from being the perfect specimen, and stop judging. I've got alot of work to do.