Dreams

Never in my life have I had such vivid dreams. My past haunts me in my sleep, processing the hurts and losses and mishaps of lessons learned. And yet it still provides me no answers to the pressing questions in my head. Only unsettled feelings as I awake. What do you WANT Vic? Why are you out here in a strange land all alone trying to figure out why you're lonely? Last night I had a waitressing nightmare, and I havent been a waitress in years! The truth is when I'm left alone with my thoughts, they plague me. And I wonder if that's what I meant to do. Now with the thought of moving on from here, I am suddenly scared of picking up and starting all over again. It's exhausting to begin with nothing. Moving here was such an emotional turmoil. I've now met some people I really like, have a house and roomate that rocks (the best roomie I've EVER had) and even a little romance in my life. Sure my job sucks, but at the same time, it provides me the flexibility and free food that a poor traveler like myself needs. I have to ask myself how long could you be happy here? Or am I truley happy at all. Maybe I'm overthinking it, no I definitely am, but that's how I do it. get myself all worked up and wrapped around my timid heart and then I can't move. Paralyzed with fears of the times I did take bold steps, and it didn't work out. Of course I don't like to admit these things to myself or others, but I am truley scared of the fact that I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I just have to take some comfort in the fact that I am, whether I like it or not. Going. Doing. Until I find the right place and thing to be and do. and it may be nothing at all. That has to be ok. For now.