Journey to Port Kembla

I left my home in Melbs at just before 6am yesterday, and as I walked down Punt Rd toward Richmond station, it began to pour down rain. Cold rain. And all I could do was smile as I mentally said goodbye to that chapter. I boarded the train, and off I went. Upon arriving at Southern Cross, I found the Skybus that hauls you to the airport and got in. Another 20 mins and I was at the airport. After an anxiety riddled 20 min check in where they weigh your bags, I managed to sneak onboard with way more stuff than you're allowed (I had 4 layers of clothes on, books stuffed into my carry on "purse" a laptop bag full of beach towels and cds. But I was home free! no extra charges. I gave the man a big ol Texan smile and waited for boarding. And waited. It was nearly time for our flight to take off and still, we waited. Lots of other passengers began looking as confused as I felt, but finally, they called our flight, and we all shuffled out to the tar mat, boarding from both ends of the plane. What a genius idea! We need to do this in the states. So fast. We were in the air in no time and after a quick 1 hr, we landed in Sydney. Shuffled along to baggage claim ,then down the stairs to the trains.

This is where things got confusing. I knew where I needed to go and had some pretty specific directions from my host but train time tables confuse the hell outta me. I told the ticket seller where I was headed. He looked confused. Bad sign. But printed me out a ticket for $20 that said Port Kembla on it so I figured that was a good sign. Now, how to get there. I spoted a platform that had one of the many stops listed on my directions on it listed. Winner! from there, I must have gotten on and off of 4 different trains. The last one, as I boarded it, the announcer informed us that there had been a breakdown on that line and we were indefinately held up. Bummer. I texted Tesha and let her know. She and Ben happily met me in Wollongong a few hours later in a white rainbow bus fully decked out. AWESOME!!

We spent the evening with some antipasto, a walk to the beach, then pizza and a few glasses of red. Their cat Kaffey is a sweet fluffy black lover, and it felt so good to snuggle with a feline ( miss my babies). We stopped by a friends house and met a delightful family. I scored a necklace from the sweet little girl and the dad gave me a cd of his band ( more australian music yay!)

What a wonderful day! I am so happy right now. As hard as it was to move on, as soon as I did, I feel a great relief. I am not stuck. I don't need to be scared. This is my journey. And it has only just begun.

DONT THINK

There's a whole other world out there I have only begun to scratch the surface of..

It can be so confusing, when attempting to use past knowledge for brand new concepts. It really doesn't apply. No matter how hard I try, I have the hardest time understanding the ways of doing in this foreign land. I get my feelings all hurt and up in a bundle over things that are mere jokes and truffles to them. Guys and gals don't seem to mind too much about sleeping around, and it's a usual Thurs/Fri/Sat night to pick up a random at the bar and go home with them, whether you like them or not, whether you have a girlfriend/wife or not, and sometimes, its the girlfriend/wife that's trying to pick you up. So strange a concept to me, being so picky and unsure of letting my heart out there, or my body for that matter..I don't THINK I'm a prude, but then again, I might be in aussie terms. Perhaps I am just more aware of it now, with my senses so alert with newness. I seem to cling to the mind body connection as that is what is familiar and comfortable for me, but it doesn't seem to work for me. They seem to be having heaps more fun. I want to have more fun.

Alot less thinking and more doing is what's in order, or surely I will drown in all this thought. Thoughts are mere perceptions. From one side of the coin, and I am a lonely scared little girl, lost at sea, who can't commit to anything and has nothing. And on the other, a free spirited, courageous young lady with nothing to lose, and nothing holding me back from my wildest dreams. The world is my oyster and I can do anything, go anywhere, be anyone. Assuming I can get past all the hang ups. Up, there I go again. Flip the coin, and I'm back on top. Heads. Fly little birdie fly..think free, think light as a feather, think..no, DONT THINK.

And so it goes..

I'm taking the leap and moving on. It was a hard decision to make, as I am more terrified of whats on the other side than I thought I ever would be..but I've gone too far now to go back, and to stay still would be pointless. I already know whats here in Melbourne. And it was fun, LOTS of fun, for a while. But it never lasts, it never works out like you think it will, and at the end of the day, I'm still me. The silly sad girl with a chip on her shoulder and an appetite for adventure. What was keeping me here was just a passing fling, it was never meant to be anything BUT fun. But how do you control your emotions? I'm starting to learn how. It is a decision you make. Decide to be happy. Not to wallow in the self pity and the sad when it gets you down. For so long when this feeling crept up on me, I embraced it. Revelled in it. Dare I say, I MUST have been enjoying it. But its exhausting, letting your troubles weigh you down, especially when you want so badly, to find your happy. And I do. I really do. SO much so, that I up and left everything I thought was weighing me down and came to a place I thought would cure me. Absolute FREE. Well, as free as my tolerance will allow. I have clothes and some money. But what I'm missing, whats missing, is a home. And now, having been away for so long, I no longer look at Austin as home. NO WHERE is home. and that's a scary, but very "free" place to be. Problem with me is, I'm not sure I want to be free. I just havent found anything worth commiting to. Everything and everyone is and are so damn dissapointing. Are my expectations too high? Should I not want for what I truly believe I deserve? To be passionate, to feel alive, to be grateful everyday for the things that I have? Some days I dont feel anything but numb. And some days, no matter what I decide, that self pity just wont leave me alone.

What now? Keep on truckin..as some one once said. It's become my moto here. Cuz times they can be hard, out here all alone in this big bad world where nothing makes sense and its always a gamble. I could get on that plane in two weeks and find the life I've always dreamed of waiting on the other end of that flight. Or, I can miss what I had here, there, anywhere else and be sad. All I do know is that I must, no matter what, keep it together. In the end, I am the only thing I've got. So I better not fold under pressure. Keep my head above water. And never stop fighting the endless battle.

Dreams

Never in my life have I had such vivid dreams. My past haunts me in my sleep, processing the hurts and losses and mishaps of lessons learned. And yet it still provides me no answers to the pressing questions in my head. Only unsettled feelings as I awake. What do you WANT Vic? Why are you out here in a strange land all alone trying to figure out why you're lonely? Last night I had a waitressing nightmare, and I havent been a waitress in years! The truth is when I'm left alone with my thoughts, they plague me. And I wonder if that's what I meant to do. Now with the thought of moving on from here, I am suddenly scared of picking up and starting all over again. It's exhausting to begin with nothing. Moving here was such an emotional turmoil. I've now met some people I really like, have a house and roomate that rocks (the best roomie I've EVER had) and even a little romance in my life. Sure my job sucks, but at the same time, it provides me the flexibility and free food that a poor traveler like myself needs. I have to ask myself how long could you be happy here? Or am I truley happy at all. Maybe I'm overthinking it, no I definitely am, but that's how I do it. get myself all worked up and wrapped around my timid heart and then I can't move. Paralyzed with fears of the times I did take bold steps, and it didn't work out. Of course I don't like to admit these things to myself or others, but I am truley scared of the fact that I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I just have to take some comfort in the fact that I am, whether I like it or not. Going. Doing. Until I find the right place and thing to be and do. and it may be nothing at all. That has to be ok. For now.

Tasmania

What an enchanted land, full of strange little creatures and plants. Such lush rainforests, lakes, crystal clear beaches and wide open fields, all within a few hours of each other, surrounded by mountain ranges. Most of the island is National Forest, so for $60, you can buy a parks pass and camp in any of the parks for about $6 a head, if you are a group of 4, which we were.

And so the trip began, the four of us piled into a tram/bus fiasko that took nearly all day Wednesday to reach the airport within minutes of them closing check ins. When flying Tiger Airways, the very cheap but you MUST read the fine print airline for domestic Australia flights...we ended up shelling out another $50 for extra weight in our luggage but we made our flight and by 10pm that night, managed to get our rental car and found a hostel with an en suite bath (very rare) for the crew.

I failed to mention first off that I had come down with a terrible head cold about two days prior to our trip and was in pretty bad shape come time to leave. Conveniently, the last day of our camping, I began to feel better. And by better, I mean not blowing my nose every 5 minutes and coughing my head off. Nothing like sleeping on the ground in a cold land to clear up your head. The hiking did help, and the air in Tasmania, what little of it I could smell, was the freshest, sweetest air there is. We camped near the beach the first two nights, and listened to the ocean while we tried to sleep. I don't know what it is, but I never seem to sleep much when camping. I lay awake all night, just listening to the earth..the sound of the waves crashing, the rustle of the leaves, tiny little things moving in the night. And of course, the incessant whistling of my nostrils all stuffed up with goo. But it was beautiful, and the camp grounds were well equiped with toilets and running water..although showers were extra, so we didn't do much of that.

I suppose I should
introduce the cast and crew of our Tasmanian Escavation..Virginia, 25 and Rob 28, a couple from Austin/Florida/Katy area..whom I met through a friend on FB. They'd been traveling since August, from Scotland to Thailand and then from western Australia to Melbourne 2 months ago. And Gabe, a 19 yr old frenchman survivalist type, fully equiped with high tech camera gear. Hard core camping fools, I'll tell you. They pushed me to my hygenic and gastronomical limits, eating can after can of tuna and peanut butter sandwiches, and like I said, ONE shower the entire 6 days of rough and tough hiking and camping. This city girl was pretty darn proud of how dirty, hungry, and yet happy I could be.

Each day we set out on the road and found a gorgeous water fall, deep green forest or sandy beach to google at. Each place, absolutely breathtaking. I got on a kick of taking pics of all the different colors of fungus and mushrooms, and little odd berries and seed pods, all so different from anything I've ever seen before in my life. A truely eye opening experience, and while there were some trials and tribulations along the way (Robbie getting stung by a near deadly wasp, un beknownst to us at the time, Virginia leaving the cap lose on one of our water bottles and soaking our gear, my snotty face and Gabe's lack of funds towards the end.) WHAT a trip! And so glad to be home in my Melbourne house, with unlimited hot water and matress, my friends down the road and hopefully a job to go back to after the long Easter weekend to replenish my funds after a week of not working.

But what to do now? I've see almost all I set out to in Victoria. My planned 3 months up in nearly a week..where do I go from here? Head north for the winter? Virg and Rob are headed to Byron Bay. I'm due in Sydney at the end of April for a rock show and couchsurfing in Woolongong. I have no idea what to do or where I'll end up, but soon, I'll be leaving again, on another great adventure in Oz...