And so it goes..

I'm taking the leap and moving on. It was a hard decision to make, as I am more terrified of whats on the other side than I thought I ever would be..but I've gone too far now to go back, and to stay still would be pointless. I already know whats here in Melbourne. And it was fun, LOTS of fun, for a while. But it never lasts, it never works out like you think it will, and at the end of the day, I'm still me. The silly sad girl with a chip on her shoulder and an appetite for adventure. What was keeping me here was just a passing fling, it was never meant to be anything BUT fun. But how do you control your emotions? I'm starting to learn how. It is a decision you make. Decide to be happy. Not to wallow in the self pity and the sad when it gets you down. For so long when this feeling crept up on me, I embraced it. Revelled in it. Dare I say, I MUST have been enjoying it. But its exhausting, letting your troubles weigh you down, especially when you want so badly, to find your happy. And I do. I really do. SO much so, that I up and left everything I thought was weighing me down and came to a place I thought would cure me. Absolute FREE. Well, as free as my tolerance will allow. I have clothes and some money. But what I'm missing, whats missing, is a home. And now, having been away for so long, I no longer look at Austin as home. NO WHERE is home. and that's a scary, but very "free" place to be. Problem with me is, I'm not sure I want to be free. I just havent found anything worth commiting to. Everything and everyone is and are so damn dissapointing. Are my expectations too high? Should I not want for what I truly believe I deserve? To be passionate, to feel alive, to be grateful everyday for the things that I have? Some days I dont feel anything but numb. And some days, no matter what I decide, that self pity just wont leave me alone.

What now? Keep on truckin..as some one once said. It's become my moto here. Cuz times they can be hard, out here all alone in this big bad world where nothing makes sense and its always a gamble. I could get on that plane in two weeks and find the life I've always dreamed of waiting on the other end of that flight. Or, I can miss what I had here, there, anywhere else and be sad. All I do know is that I must, no matter what, keep it together. In the end, I am the only thing I've got. So I better not fold under pressure. Keep my head above water. And never stop fighting the endless battle.