Anyone who's known me for longer than a week knows that I am a hopeless romantic. Perhaps too much American television, where the guy always gets the girl at the end of the 30 minute episode, where it seems two people can conquer almost anything, together. Perhaps even its been the luck of having two parents who very obviously love each other still, after all these years. No matter really what the reason, its proven difficult for me to find my place in the matter.
What is Love?
Is it that moment where you lose yourself in their kiss? That your body melts into theirs during the slow dance.. Is it nights where you don't even need to sleep because just talking to that person gives you all the energy you need. Or when you finally do drift off, its with a shit eating grin on your face that almost hurts, its so wide. That you would do anything, even unthinkable things, just to keep them a little longer. And forget yourself..
Maybe that's what I've been mistaking for love. All the razzle dazzle of infatuation, that fatal initial attraction that makes you dizzy and drunk on the possibilites. It's not lasting, that kind of thing. I've made the mistake of pushing and pulling on someone for years trying to recreate that feeling, time and again because that was the only thing that was any good out of the whole ordeal. But as the smoke and mirrors dissapear, I reckon its more like knowing what that person REALLY looks like, "warts and all", finding even the not so pretty parts, endearing. Being able to accept them for everything that they are, and when the going gets tough, not letting go.
It all seems so hard. I don't know if I've ever truly been in love if thats the case. If I'm willing to go the distance. All I've ever wanted was the razzle dazzle, and for it to go on forever. And when the going got tough, I've usually made my exit, in one way or another. That once the fog lifts, its not such a magical picture full of glitz and glamour. Love really isn't very pretty at all.
I'd say just as much as anything else, I am on a mission to find love. I can't help it. I'm jealous of those I know who have it. I can't imagine that kind of acceptance. Maybe first I've got to accept myself, warts and all. That I am far from being the perfect specimen, and stop judging. I've got alot of work to do.
You are more lovable than you know. The trick, like you say, IS self acceptance. Warts and all. There is a certain " letting go" that has to happen for those of us that never chose the easy route through life. We take our time, exploring everything BUT the stuff that normal people take for granted. Time ticks on and before you know it, you are 30+ and single. It's totally OK!!!! There is nothing wrong with you! I think one of your most wonderful qualities is your honesty and self awareness. You are forthright and true. I love reading your blog and I know you will get where you want to go.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
What a beautiful, symbolic picture you chose!
ReplyDeleteI'm touched you realize what a special relationship your Dad and I have. I was reading an article in Redbook that said according to feng shui, you should grab a RED pen, because the stronger and clearer you are in stating what you'd like to see happen in your life, the easier it is for the universe to send you your heart's desire. In red ink and white paper, write a list of all the qualities you think your ideal mate might possess. Is he smart and savvy world traveler? or is he a homebody who loves to spend quiet evenings watching movies on the couch?(I think I'd want a mixture of those qualities myself!) Once he looks good on paper, place your list an an image of two peonies inside a small silver box and place the box in the relationship area of your bedroom according to the baqua map for 49.
days." Not sure you will be in one place that long, but maybe in your suitcase! Accept yourself because there are so many wonderful attributes you have, but be able to compromise when you have to, yet stand up for yourself! We don't have to worry about you on that last part! Hope you find what you are looking for or at least this trip gives you a better perspective on what you are looking for. Good hunting and Enjoy. XXOO