Seems to be the theme as I truck on through. Travel weary, lost and confused as I ever was and seemingly getting worse by the day. I keep meeting people and hoping they have something important to say to me, to send me off in direction. And often they do. A random strange boy chased me down the beach to tell me about vipassana, a 10 day silent meditation practice that is supposed to be used to ease suffering and to see things as they really are. Well shit, SIGN ME UP! I need so desperately to see things as they really are, because nothing feels real to me anymore. Have I lost touch with reality? Or simply been traveling for too long..I was lost when I arrived here, but feel myself drifting even further..maybe though, just maybe I am drifting closer to who I REALLY am, not who I thought I was. With great hope and a bit of desperation, I will try and try again. A job fell in my lap as well, and while I am dissapointed I wasnt able to find something that is different than anything I have ever done, I am grateful for the opportunity to make some fairly easy money and sustain myself until I figure what then to do.
Lately I have been thinking about coming back to the states pretty seriously. I miss things, alot of things. Things I have always taken for granted and never had a second thought about til I am stranded on a huge island, nestled in between the Indian and the Arctic Ocean, in someone ELSE's country. I miss feeling like I am a part of something, like I belong somewhere. If I ever did feel that, it was in Austin, when I first moved there. It's changed and so have I..maybe too much to come back together again. But once upon a time, I was happy there. I remember that. I will try not to forget that and when I find it again, maybe this time it'll be for good. Buy that house, plant that garden, grow some roots. COMMIT. Perhaps I am ready for the next step. I hope 10 days of silence sheds some light on it.
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hey honey, there is nothing wrong with needing to escape for a while (often I daydream about living in a simple beach cottage, knowing no one and seeing no one, ..and writing.. just writing to get it all out..). wouldn't it be nice if someone would just come and tell you exactly what to do and they would be right as you would be so fulfilled and have purpose? it would i know as i have thought that many times. breathe it all in honey.. sometimes it is just that we need something to excite us to distract us from ourselves. i love you..
ReplyDeleteWhat Shell said, " Sometimes we need something to excite us to distract us from ourselves". Wow, that just described a lot of my life... Hmmm.
ReplyDeleteI have been so aware lately of me doing that, hence my downsizing of commitments and activities, but hadn't put in into my own words in such a succinct way.
Are you for sure going to do the ten day silent meditation? How can that happen when you have to work/be around people?
Loving you from here, Katiecakes
I am indeed headed to the ashram in 2 days. I'm taking time off from my "job" (I only work 2 days a week) because I think the real work that needs to be done, is inside of me. I'll know what then. I have a feeling. Love you tooo girls! thanks for reading xo
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