There is something wrong with this picture..

I am on "holiday" working 30 hrs a week trying to make enough money to actually enjoy myself here in Melbourne. I wake at 8am (some days 6am), have a cup of tea and a light brekky, then trudge off to work at 9 to get there by 10. I work til 6, and then trudge back, through the cold, heat, sun, rain..whatever happens to be the mood of mother nature that day. I get home around 7, with a bag full of free food that they were going to chuck, and eat as much as I can, try to pawn off some to my other traveling friends who are broke and hungry too. I am exhausted. I can't sleep well as the terrible nightmares are plaguing me still, almost every night. And I am doing nothing that I WANT to do. But what else CAN I do? If I quit this job, finding another will be hard and I will never make it through a year without more money that I've got. Just to send a letter costs over $2! Rent here is $175/wk, and that is cheap for where I am and what I've got, only one roomie who's hardly ever home. And that would be GREAT if I had some friends here. But I only have a few and they seem to forget about me quickly unless there is constant communication. I am lonely. I am tired. I am weary. And I am lost at sea, literally. I do not know what I need to do to be happy here, not to worry or be frightened by the nightmares and the thought that I may not make it here. It is hard and I am still myself, the same old worrying self conscious, brokenhearted me that can't GET OVER IT. Get over it! So what if the love of your life hasn't crossed your path? I'd rather be alone than with someone I don't love. So what if your job sucks? They all do. Being the new girl is the worst. The girls pick on me all the time, telling me what to do and over correcting my every move. I am guilty for these offenses,and I am getting a taste of my own medicine and it is BITTER. hard to swallow. Tears well up sometimes and I fight hard not to let them see my frustration as I see them doing all the things they tell me not to do. Some days they're nice, but they never invite me to do anything with them like my austin peeps would, and at the end of the day, its the long walk home for me. As if I had energy for much else.I am feeling sorry for myself and I am sorry for feeling sorry for myself because I should be glad to be here, for this opportunity, but I am tired and I wish someone would hold me. Tell me its ok, that they love me and I am not alone. But I am. And no one comes. And the tears well up again and this time I'm alone and I let them come. Maybe this will help. Get it out. And get over it. This will only make you stronger. This will only make you appreciate your life as it once was so easy, and now so challenging, everyday so much harder, just to "be". I know it will get better. But these pages are for my rantings, for whomever wants to listen to what goes on inside your head when you're alone in the world with your own head, and you can't get out of it. I can't get out of it. Or over it. But I WILL> If its the only thing I do here, I will get out of my head and get on with my life and forgive and forget all the sad things that brought me here. I am only human. I make mistakes and that is the only way I know how to learn. And so I go on..alone in this world, searching for the happiness I have only ever dreamed of so long ago, I've forgotten now what it looks like. But I'll know it when I see it. For now I pray for the nightmares to go away, for a peaceful sleep and a better day tomorrow than today. Goodnight.